So I go into our big local department store on River Road and this lovely little woman gives me a flyer that says: “Welcome to Off-Black Fridays.” What?!! Let me get this straight: Corporate geniuses in retail land need to get people to buy stuff, and THIS is what they came up with?
We already have Black Friday the day after Thanksgiving, so we can all run to the malls and spend money we don’t have to the point that we want to beat the snot out of that moron in front of us at the register.
Guess what? Thanks to the depression (sssshh!), we ain’t gonna be buyin’ much that day, or any other day, cause we ain’t got the scratch.
Still, the corporate geniuses put their pointed little heads together. “We can’t just sit here and wait for Black Friday and hope they come,” they said.
“Good point!” barked the CEO. “Any recommendations?”
Picture a silent boardroom, beads of sweat gathering on the foreheads of the SVPs, VPs & AVPs as the Big Guy stares at them, stonefaced, waiting for an answer.
A sweet little “Devil wears Prada” chick finally speaks up: “I have an idea, sir. Why don’t we start the season right after Halloween and call it OFF-BLACK FRIDAY? We can do it all the way up Thanksgiving.”
So here we are, smack dab in the middle of a new promotion that wants to sell everything cheaper now instead of waiting.
First, there’s the Halloween clearance section: 70% off. Find out what you want to be next year and get the costume now.
The next 2 aisles are for Thanksgiving. Yup: turkey cutouts, pilgrim globes, the works.
But, wait: Christmas is only EIGHT WEEKS away, so we already got the trees, the lights, the lawn displays, balls, garland and Christmas cards — OK, holiday cards — taking up a corner of the store. And what would the displays be without that damned friggin’ MUSIC!!!
But I was there for a reason, so I hit the camera department to get a digital for my honey. I found exactly what I wanted, complete with the “Off-Black Friday” sale price.
“Yo, can you help me out here?”
“We’re out of stock,” the sales gurl says.
“I can go to another [outlet] and get this, right?”
“No,” she says.
“What do you mean ‘no’?” I say, leaning over the counter.
“All [of our] stores can charge a different amount for any item,” she says.
“But I can get a rain check, right?”
I don’t know whether the corporate geniuses are aware of this, but they’re suddenly charging random prices. The register remained closed as I walked out of the store empty-handed — and THIS is jump-starting the economy?
I didn’t want the day to be a total waste. So I thought about it and came up with a suggestion for the boys — and Prada Girl — in the boardroom. We’re the customers, right? Well, we’ve got our own special:
“No Mo’ Money Day”
When is it? When do you think?
Reviewers have raved about Maryann’s music & standup. She’s opened for Joy Behar and Ray Romano, and has played The Laugh Factory, Broadway Comedy Club and Dangerfield’s. She has a CD out and will be featured on Danny Aiello’s upcoming album, “City of Light.” Judging from the looks of the packed houses, she’ll also be staging plenty more performances with the ITALIAN CHICKS, whose show has been called “part meatball, part cannoli.” For more on Maryann, the group, where they’re performing & how to get tickets, click here:
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