I’ve been hearing these horror stories from my single friends about online dating, and it seems to me that people either have ridiculously exaggerated opinions of themselves or don’t own a mirror. Between me and you, I think it’s the mirror. So I’ve developed a list of online dating “do”s and “don’t”s.
First off, use a picture that’s recent, for Christ’s sake. In fact, take the extra step and have the date stamped on it. Why the hell would you put up a pic from your heyday as the King of Disco unless you turned into the King of Doughnuts? Until they create a program that lets you Photoshop your entire personality, knock it the f*ck off already;
Secondly: No photo at all is NOT an option, mook. When she meets you, she’s gonna figure it out anyway. Be as objective as possible — especially about your height, Joe Pesci…. And don’t even think of messin’ with the weight. What are you gonna say: It’s the meds?
Don’t claim you make over $250K when you can barely rub two nickels together, Mr. Funds R. Low. She’ll only end up making believe she’s not home when you come rollin’ up in a Kia instead of a Caddy;
Do not say you are looking for a long-term relationship when you just wanna get LAID. In case you didn’t get the memo, desperation stinks worse than that drug-store cologne you took a bath in. For another, there actually are chicks out there who want the same thing — only they tell you right upfront;
Here’s another tip, stud muffins: Have enough sense to realize that EVERYONE can see when you’re hitting up the same chicks on Facebook that you try to meet on Match, eHarmony, Plenty of Fish, Desperate Slobs or whatever dating service you use;
If someone does agree to go out with your sorry ass and you don’t hit it off, have the friggin’ cannolis to say, “It was really nice meeting you, but I do not feel a connection.” None of this “I’ll call you next week and we’ll get together” BS, you chicken-sh*t little creep;
And don’t ever, ever, ever, under any circumstances be MARRIED!!! I got two words for you, you lyin’, cheatin’ sack o’ sh*t: Bunny stew! We will not be ignored.
As for my lady friends, it’s much easier: Don’t buy the season ticket to the emotional roller coaster. For one thing, there’s a depth requirement — as in, how much are you willing to get hurt?
There is no magic moment, no love hangover — except for the people still collecting royalties on the songs. There are plenty of broken records, though. Accept it and call a different tune instead of singin’ the blues.
If you do end up with Flawed Irregular, put the idea that you can fix this mess out of your head immediately. You can’t accessorize a potato sack into a hot outfit.
At the same time, keep your eye on the big picture. People show their true colors eventually, and sometimes the combination isn’t perfect, but what is? Sometimes slight imperfections are no more than that. You don’t throw out that comfy sweater if you find a pull in the sleeve, do you? You live with it.
Never settle — absolutely. But don’t overthink yourself out of the opportunity for a “Moonstruck” moment. Cause in the end, it can happen. Just a matter of timing.
So click your heels three times if you want. Tell yourself ya gotta believe.
Then hit the computer and Google his ass.
Reviewers have raved about Maryann’s music & standup. She’s opened for Joy Behar and Ray Romano, and has played The Laugh Factory, Broadway Comedy Club and Dangerfield’s. She has a CD out and will be featured on Danny Aiello’s upcoming album, “City of Light.” Judging from the looks of the packed houses, she’ll also be staging plenty more performances with the ITALIAN CHICKS, whose show has been called “part meatball, part cannoli.” For more on Maryann, the group, where they’re performing & how to get tickets, click here: ITALIAN CHICKS . Tell ’em CLIFFVIEWPILOT sent you.
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